Birthdays have always been special to me until this one rolled by.
I guess 26 means “late twenties” now, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I rotated between feeling anxious and disappointed for weeks — until I watched a video.
A YouTuber asked a woman how she felt about being 67. Her answer was, “Fantastic because I’m still standing.”
I watched the video with envy because I wished I felt some of her gratitude, especially being 41 years younger than her.
When I was 13 years old, I expected to reach some sort of life milestone at 26. I wanted to be in love, working an amazing job, well-traveled, well-educated, and just “secure” in life.
But the truth is I’ve never felt more insecure.
I can no longer use the “I’m still young and figuring it out” excuse. By now, everyone close to me expects me to have my shit together.
This thought process sparked a realization — a healthy one, too. I’ve been using toxic ideas to measure my life.
I’ve adopted certain ideas about how my life should look and who I should be. But these ideas are making me feel insecure in my own skin and stopping me from celebrating who I am.
Here are those 13 toxic ideas I’m letting go of as I start a new chapter. You might resonate with some of them.
Table of Contents
1. The Idea of Toxic Self-Love
I used to think about self-love in a very childish way like it was something that grew roses and pranced off into the sunset. But true self-love has thorns and storms too.
There will be days when you’re incredibly proud of yourself and can’t stop glowing with love. But there will also be days when you feel disappointed and dislike who you are.
Those days are normal.
Love doesn’t have to be consistently beautiful to be real. The dark days are real too.
What matters is your courage to keep going and see the good in yourself despite all the bad stuff around you.
What matters is objectively identifying the areas where you’re lacking and trying wholeheartedly to improve — without calling yourself bad names.
What matters is trying to pick yourself up when you’ve had the worst day.
What matters is choosing to heal when everything is raging around you.
Because that’s true self-love.
Related Post: 163 Most Inspiring Self-Love Quotes
2. The Idea That People’s Opinions Matter
There was a time when I was embarrassed about who I was.
I feared anybody asking me personal questions because I didn’t know what to share with them. I wanted people to like me, so I ignored my own instincts and tried to please them.
Guess what? It’s impossible to please everyone — because people only truly care about themselves.
From now on, I vow only to do what pleases me and to let people think what they want to.
When you stop caring about people’s opinions, you’ll see how hard everyone else is trying to be liked.
I see it when my cousins put on a show for the elders in my family. I see it when my father tries to impress somebody who doesn’t care at a party. I see it when my friends change themselves to suit others.
Everyone’s pretending. Even the people you’re trying to please are trying to please somebody else.
Step away for a minute, and you’ll see how liberating it is not to care.
Related Post: 40 Quotes About Proving Yourself to Yourself to Boost Your Confidence
3. The Idea of Becoming a Girl Boss
I used to be obsessed with the idea of having my own business empire. I wanted to walk (in heels) to my office in New York, carrying an expensive tote and governing a slew of adoring employees.
I don’t care about that anymore.
All I want is a small business that I can run with a laptop four days a week. And for three days, I get to rest and do whatever I want.
I crave freedom, which can only come by embracing a simple lifestyle that works for me.
4. The Idea That There Is a “Best” Version of Me
Self-help books told us a lie. There will never be a best version of you.
If you do life right, then you’re always improving, which means it should be called a “work-in-progress” version of you.
I have hammered myself to the ground, trying to reach this supposed milestone version of me. Only to reach one milestone and realize there’s a whole other climb to another.
And this is good because as long as you’re alive — there shouldn’t be an end or “final milestone/destination.”
Keep improving little by little every day and celebrate those tiny steps. Each day that you take a step forward is the best you’re doing for yourself.
5. The Idea That a Job/Career Defines Me
I lost my editing job, thanks to ChatGPT.
I’ve sent countless applications to both writing/editing jobs and finance jobs (the field in which I have a degree), all to no success.
It depressed me. I stopped writing. I stopped smiling. I stopped having hope for the future. I felt utterly useless and valueless in the world.
I felt guilty that I couldn’t help my parents financially and emotionally because I was too broken to be there for anybody else.
And I realized that we place our value based on our job or career. We let it define us completely as if it’s the only important thing in the world.
But my job or career path is just one aspect of my life. I’m still worth something even if I don’t have those things.
I’m kind, compassionate, spiritual, creative, analytical, and a living-breathing human. I still deserve to exist even if I don’t have the perfect job, or any job for that matter.
6. The Idea That My Passions Define Me
I’m a person of many passions. I love dancing, reading, writing, blogging, learning more about online marketing, etc. But those things are also just a drop in my ocean.
When I was younger, I used to do Kathak (an Indian classical dance.) I did it for 13 years but stopped feeling passionate about it. It felt more like a chore, so I gave it up.
Throughout the years, people have said, “Why did you leave dancing?” “Are you going back to finish your graduation?” “You should go back to dancing.”
It made me feel worse every time somebody asked me these things. I had started to believe I made a mistake by leaving classical dance.
But then I realized that I had left Kathak, not dancing. Dancing is, to this day, one of my biggest passions.
The difference now is that I get to dance whatever I like instead of just one dance style that no longer interests me.
Basically, what I’m saying is, go with the flow with your passions. They’re your passions for a reason. Change them up, develop new ones, or let go of old ones.
They don’t define you, either way.
Blogging is another passion of mine, and for two years, I let this blog define my existence.
However, I worked so hard and didn’t get anything out of it. This made me feel worthless and heartbroken.
If you look at the dates I stopped publishing posts, you’ll feel the sadness emanating from me during that time. I couldn’t do it anymore — not without seeing results.
So, I stopped blogging for a bit. And lo and behold, I felt better!
During this break, I learned so much about myself and even rethought my whole blogging process. I didn’t feel tied down to the blog anymore and like I had to make it work.
I let go of it. I stopped letting it define me, which made me like it more!
Like dancing, I started seeing it as something I wanted to do instead of something I HAD to do.
7. The Idea That I’m Responsible for Anybody’s Happiness
As an Indian daughter who’s grown up in a conservative, goal-oriented family, I’ve been brainwashed to believe I’m responsible for my parent’s happiness.
The career I choose must be aligned with their goals. The person I marry must seek their approval first. Basically, every important decision I make must have the end goal to make them happy.
I call bullshit.
I am not responsible for my parent’s happiness or anybody’s happiness.
The same applies to a romantic relationship. Most people believe it’s their significant other’s duty to make them happy.
It’s no wonder marriages are dropping like flies.
The only person’s happiness you’re responsible for is your own. If you can’t make yourself happy, you have no chance of making somebody else happy because everything you do for that person will come from a place of resentment and not love.
8. The Idea That My Body Isn’t Perfect As-Is
I’ve body-shamed myself more than society ever has. Why though? When it’s been keeping me protected for 26 years.
Just yesterday, my best friend’s mom was diagnosed with cancer. It’s scary to think that that could be me in a few years or even next week.
I’ve decided to nurture and be grateful for my body as it is instead of wishing for another one.
9. The Idea That I Can Manifest Anything I Want without Working for It
I thought that visualizing something and believing it was yours was enough to get it. But after months of journaling, believing, praying, and wishing, I didn’t.
I felt like I’d been told a lie by The Secret’s stooges.
But manifestation doesn’t exist. To bring something to fruition, you have to work for it.
Simply journaling and believing hard enough isn’t going to cut it. In conjunction with those two things, you have to work like you’ve never worked before.
And that in itself teaches you a lot about what you want in life.
You should forget the things you aren’t prepared to work for. Instead, focus on the things you’re willing to bust your ass for — that’s how you’ll manifest your dream reality.
10. The Idea That the World Determines My Value
After so many job rejections, instead of losing my self-worth — I’ve come to value myself more.
Those people don’t know me and what I’m capable of. They sit behind a computer and filter out resumes using software.
The same goes for guys who’ve rejected me in the past. They don’t determine my value, nor does my family or job.
Only I get to decide my value.
11. The Idea That I Have to Be “Calm” All the Time
I’ve always been an advocate for peace.
I enjoy being calm in chaos. I enjoy being the peacemaker in my family. I loved being the cool, collected one in the office.
You can say that I practically thrive on being “zen.” But I forget that I made peace my goal in life because of my battle with anxiety.
Deep down, an anxious girl is busting to get out of me, and there are days that she does. But that doesn’t mean I’m a terrible person. It only means I’m human.
Here forth, I’m not going to put so much pressure on me to always be calm. I’m going to feel what I need to feel and bring myself back to a calm state if I can.
If I can’t, then I’m going to scream and cry and be okay with it.
Related Post: 106 Mindfulness Affirmations for Calm and Clarity
12. The Idea That Everyone’s Life Is Better than Mine
Over the last two years, I’ve pined over lives that were not mine. I saw my friends and cousins living their best lives overseas and hated the hand I’d been dealt.
But the more I spoke to them, the more I realized that their lives aren’t perfect too. Each of them has their own shitty hand to play.
Life will never be perfect for anybody. So, instead of wishing yours away, appreciate it for a second and see the good in it.
13. The Idea That the Universe Never Works in My Favor
“I’m just so unlucky.”
These were the words I’ve said on a loop this year. If the kettle broke, it’s because I’m just so unlucky. If a job opportunity slipped by, it’s because I’m so unlucky. If a car cuts me off, it’s because I’m unlucky.
Because I believed I was unlucky, I saw it in every aspect of my life.
I thought the universe held some grudge against me, but that’s not true. The only person holding a grudge against me was me.
Now, I’ll be shifting my belief to, “Things work out for me because I’m just so lucky.”
Final Thoughts
On the eve of another birthday, I want to thank you for reading this far. This blog is my passion, and to have people (actual, living, breathing people) read it is incredible.
When you celebrate your next birthday, take some time to think about the things you need to let go of. Those things may be stopping you from celebrating the person you are.
This birthday, I’m going to celebrate the mere fact that I’m still here…standing.
I’m alive. My heart still beats, and the rest of my organs still function. I still have hopes and dreams. And I’m still valuable — even if I don’t have cities, degrees, jobs, and loves added to my name.