After 14 years, I’m finally living as myself. And it feels good.
Most people don’t know that I’m an obsessive dreamer. I say “obsessive” because I’ve truly taken dreaming to the next level.
While most people dream things up for themselves, I invented a whole new person in my head at age 12 and created the perfect life for her.
I even gave her a name, Kat.
She was like me, but better. You could say that she was the ideal version of who I wanted to be.
She had her dream career, beautiful friends, a great family, a charming boyfriend, and just a perfect life as a whole.
As I grew, she did too. So, when I was 15, she was 15. And at 24, she was 24 too. But she wasn’t me.
I dreamed up her life so much that she eventually moved on from me, prancing into the sunset with her new husband.
Only recently, after experiencing the worst mental battle I’ve ever faced, I realized that Kat’s happy now, living her life, and I’m exactly where I left myself — in that boring classroom at 12.
And the dream broke.
Table of Contents
The Awakening
Now, before you think I’m a psychopath and need mental rehabilitation, you must understand that I was a lonely child. I had friends, but none that knew me. My beautiful parents only had one child. I thought my cousins (and just people in general) were strange.
Obviously, I was extremely socially awkward.
And this motivated me to create a whole new persona in my head. And this persona grew with me over the years.
Kat was a great escape from the hassles of my own life where I could venture into something exciting. But I didn’t fully comprehend that she wasn’t real.
The only thing that was and is real is me — Pooja. There is no Kat, and there never will be.
The Reason
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that I had self-esteem issues. I didn’t love myself enough to be authentic. I wanted (actually, craved) to be somebody else.
I was labeled the “quiet girl” throughout my younger years. All my classmates, cousins, and friends were so much more interesting and vibrant than me.
If somebody rated me based on a color palette — I would’ve been the grayest color.
And so, I constantly changed my personality to suit whoever I was speaking to. I wanted to be interesting to people. I wanted people to like me. But all this pretending only made me feel more alone.
My personality only bloomed a few months back when I started working a job I loved. I started behaving more true to myself; I breathed authenticity and loved who I was. But even then, I was using an external factor (the job) to influence how I felt about myself.
If the job went, I went too.
The Epiphany
This article could turn into an entire book if I had to write my journey toward self-love and coming out of my periods of darkness.
“Yeah, Pooja, we don’t have time for that. Get to the point, please.”
Getting there now.
So, throughout this period where I lived as somebody else and desperately tried to get people to like me, I had an AHA moment.
I noticed, for the first time, that other people were also pretending to be somebody else.
And I felt a rush of relief.
I’ve watched friends turn into somebody else after finding a boyfriend. I watched my cousins speak in an American accent (when I know they’ve never been outside of South Africa).
I’ve seen perfectly brilliant and hard-working people suck up to their bosses. And I’ve watched so-called spiritual people becoming best friends with terrible people only because of their influential social status.
I’ve watched my strong, confident, and opinionated mother bend to her family’s will.
There’s so much pressure and struggle to fit in — that you go through life never knowing who you are.
I might be one of the few people who invented another person in their heads, but I’m definitely not the only person who’s pretending to be somebody else.
What’s hilarious is that the people we’re trying to please are pretending too, so who wins?
Nobody.
But I’m tired. I want to be authentic with a personality and value system that isn’t going to change for anybody. If it’s going to change, that change must come from me for my growth.
If you’re ready to start living as yourself too, here’s how to get the ball rolling:
How to Live as Yourself
1. Spend Time Alone Doing Nothing
I started becoming, thinking, and acting like myself after spending a lot of time alone and in silence.
In retrospect, those moments were horrible and depressing, but they led me to the big realization that I’ve spent my life running from who I am.
When you fill your time with friends, your phone, a movie, etc., you’re running away from confronting your own mind and heart.
Yes, I also love escaping from life (hell, I did it for so many years), but at some point, life will force you to turn inwards and see the person within. You can only run away from yourself for so long before it turns messy, like it did with me.
I escaped for so long that finally coming face to face with myself was a shock. It felt uncomfortable, and I’m pretty sure the moon cycles had nothing to do with the onslaught of emotions I felt.
I cried after feeling my heartbeat.
You don’t need to sit in a dark room to spend time alone; you can just lie down on your bed for a nap and look at the ceiling (this constitutes spending time alone, and I did this a lot.)
2. Fix Your Self-Worth
I thought self-love meant going on solo dates and shopping trips or quitting your job.
But really, self-love means being aware of your thinking and limiting beliefs, putting yourself first, and setting boundaries.
And when you’re aware of yourself, you can easily recognize when you’re pretending to be someone you’re not. You can smell your own bullshit.
Self-acceptance means accepting who you are, flaws and all. For years, I thought being quiet was bad because people phrased it as an insult. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me.
But that child was so beautiful. And it hurts to think that I ever thought so negatively about myself.
My quietness made me calm. My quietness allowed me to have genuine friendships. My quietness made my home life composed. My quietness made my parents love me even more. My quietness made me start writing. My quietness led to this blog. My quietness made me mature and more aware of myself at a young age. My quietness spurred my imagination and made me a creative soul.
Similarly, there are facets of you that are only deserving of love. Get close to your inner child and teenager and see the beauty in them. Appreciate how unique you are.
The beauty of being human is that we’re all so different. It would be a boring world if we were the same, so why do we keep trying to be?
Love yourself for everything you are. You’re the only person who can do that for you. Otherwise, you’ll spend your life trying to get that love from somebody else. And that’s signing yourself up for a lifetime of sadness because nobody can give you the love you can give yourself.
Related Post: 5 Steps to Make Peace with Your Anti-Hero
3. Isolate Yourself from Others
If the pandemic taught us one thing, it’s that we can survive in isolation — and quite well too.
When you’re around people, it’s easy to start behaving like them. Do you know the saying, “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with”? It’s true.
I’ve undergone numerous personality changes, sometimes even becoming like the guy I like or my best friend.
So, think of isolating yourself as a reset — a way to get back to yourself again. And more people will love you for it.
Nobody likes an actor/actress unless you’re in Hollywood.
4. Isolate Yourself from Your Goals
We become our goals.
If your goal is to become a writer, you’ll see writing tips everywhere, follow your favorite writers, and live and breathe words.
If your goal is to run marathons, you’ll thrive on healthy eating and waking up at ungodly hours to train.
And while goals are amazing and necessary to steer us in the right direction, we forget ourselves in the process of achieving them.
At one point, I hated myself because my blog wasn’t doing well. I called myself names and threw virtual bricks at my head, all because my goal of growing a successful blog was failing.
But that wasn’t fair to me.
I’m not my blog. I’m just me, and blogging is one of the things that I enjoy doing.
It’s unfair to curse yourself out because one area of your life isn’t doing well. So, start viewing yourself as independent (completely separate from your goals.)
Even if something doesn’t work out as you hoped, you’ll still love yourself and have the courage to move on to something new.
The goals you had ten years ago might no longer be relevant, but you didn’t stop existing, right?
Related Post: 5 Golden Ways to Achieve Your Goals When You Have Zero Motivation
5. Limit Your Dopamine Fixes
It’s a refreshing feeling to take off the day by relaxing in front of the tv or scrolling through Instagram. But at what cost?
The cost of never wanting to be alone or delve into your inner workings.
And soon it’s 20 years later, and you’ve got nothing to show for it other than knowing The Vampire Diaries by heart.
I’m a huge fan of BTS. If you don’t know who BTS is, just one Google search will be enough.
I spent about three years learning everything about them, from what they liked to eat to what they looked like when sleeping to when their next documentary was and the next album.
And they brought me great enjoyment and were a balm to my soul during a difficult time.
However, I didn’t try to understand myself as much as I did them. If I had, maybe my life would’ve turned out differently. Maybe I could’ve started my blog early.
Don’t put entertainment above yourself. Spend time getting to know yourself more than watching 12 episodes in a row. Because what would benefit you more? You already know the answer.
Related Post: How Cheap Dopamine Is Unraveling Your Life: What You Can Do to Stop It
6. Journal
Journaling is one of the most enjoyable yet deeply uncomfortable experiences you’ll go through on this journey of living as yourself.
As a child, I loved to collect journals. I had stacks spilling out of my cupboards. And now I have heaps with no place to keep them.
I loved notebooks, but I started taking journaling seriously over the last two years or so.
Writing has helped me understand myself better by picking apart the pretense from the real. And it helps you process emotions easier.
It’s like having a therapist whenever you want.
I encourage you to start journaling for a few minutes a day. You won’t just see the results, but you’ll feel them.
Final Thoughts
I’m finally living as myself, and I’ve never been freer. I want you to experience the same freedom.
The cost of trying to be somebody else or living as somebody else in your head is that you’re never authentic, your life feels like a lie, and nobody seems real.
When you live as yourself, the most important thing you realize is that you’re the only one who can bring you back to you and love you unconditionally for who you are.
Also, most people don’t figure out they’re pretending until they’re 70, and they just die. At least we’ve figured it out now.